Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Bad Stuff

I was married once. I decided to get divorced after a pregnancy scare. It dawned on me that there was no way I ever wanted to have children with him. That eventually got me thinking about the reasons why I was still married to him. Then I realized there weren't any.

He had alot of medical and emotional problems. These problems had gotten progressively worse over the period of time we were together (6.5 years). He was taking massive amounts of painkillers (among many other medications) and had severe depression. He spent months in the hospital with pnuemonia and all sorts of other issues. I can't tell you how many emergency room visits I made with him. He also had a problem telling the truth. He lied about the stupidest things and wouldn't ever admit he had lied. Beyond his family, I was his entire world. He had no friends. I was the only one.

I had VERY good reason to believe he might try to hurt himself or me when I told him I was leaving him. It was September when I decided I had to end the marriage. Unfortunately, there were many things that had to get squared away before I could tell him, so I made the decision to wait until after Christmas to break the news. I lived with someone for five months that I was terrified was going to try to kill me if he found out what I planned to do. Luckily, he lived in enough of a drugged haze that he never noticed things were amiss.

That was a pretty dark time for me. I stayed focused on getting through the days and crossing things off my to do list. If I thought about the situation I was living in for too long, I became paralyzed with fear. So, I just pushed the bad thoughts aside and barrelled through. I made it. Things turned out alright in the end. For both of us. I made sure of it.

That morning on the street in Bridgeport when J challenged me to talk about the bad stuff, it all came rushing back to me. I cried it out, and I let it go. I hadn't even realized that I needed to until then. It took a few years, but I was finally free of the fear. It feels pretty darn good.

ADDENDUM
I would not have gotten through those five months without the support of my amazing friends and family. They all really stepped up. I couldn't have asked for a better team of people at my side.

7 comments:

Adorable said...

Wow! Thanks for sharing that.

I do have to wonder, what's the best thing that came out of the experience? So often we think of the negative, but I sense there were a few things that you walked away with that despite what you had to go through to get them, they were worth it.

Winter said...

Holy crap. I was just kidding about the darkest secret stuff.

Pretentious Bastard said...

I'm not sure what I admire more--the fact that you were able to do all of that and get out or you ability to post it and discuss it. I'm just really impressed with your writing and how you've handled it.

Shannon Erin said...

AG - The best thing: For the first time in my life, I actually like myself and the direction I'm headed in. Turns out I'm way more resilient and strong than I ever gave myself credit for. I set goals and accomplish them now. I never did that before.

Winter - Careful what you ask for. :)

PB - Thank you.

Whiskeymarie said...

For a minute I was thinking that you were married to an ex of mine, but then I remembered we live in different states...
;)
Good for you for thinking it though and ending it on your own terms. Too often we feel bad in these situations and don't think of how the outcome will affect us personally.

Chuckles said...

Well this makes my post on hot dogs seem trite.

Adorable said...

That post is trite.

I am really glad that it gave you that. You inspire me in so many ways. For that, I am thankful.

:)